Are we friends?

friends

Have you ever had that one friend that was just a major let down in all aspects of your friendship? Yes, I think we all have. I have this childhood “friend” that has been nothing but a major disappointment since we became friends. I am writing about my “friend” because I am finally at this point with her where I can no longer call her a friend. What do I call her then? An acquaintance? A disappointment? An ex-friend?

I take my friendships very seriously and I would do anything for my friends. I would take a day off of work and help them with anything they need. I would spend days and nights with them if they were sick, and I would move them into my home if they needed a place to stay. I would take a bullet for my friends. Friends are a dime in a dozen, a rare diamond and friends are the people in your life that you can talk to about anything and they will always listen without any judgment. Well I cannot say without full judgment because it’s in our nature to be judgmental. I will admit, I can be judgmental at times, but we all get the point on what role our friends play. They play an important role in your life.

The story began when we were teenagers. I met this fun and outgoing girl that was always filled with laughter and she had like this big happy glow about her. I like people like that. Throughout the years, we lost touch and we lost touch somewhere around college years. After high school we lived together for a while and well, life took us our separate ways. She ended up having a baby and I was just lost in the midst of her happy days. She met this guy that she waited tables with, and while working together they started dating. Not even a few months into their relationship, she told me they were having a baby. See, I was truly happy for them as I was hoping to have a family one day of my own and I couldn’t wait to help her with her pregnancy and help her with the baby. During her pregnancy I was the one that held her hair as she had really bad morning sickness that lasted all day and all night, I drove in the middle of the night to get her the foods that she was craving, took her to the doctor’s appointments and sat there with her, heard the first heartbeat, saw the first sonogram of the baby and I was the first to know that she was having a boy. As nice as her boyfriend was, he was just not as involved. A few months before she was due, she told me that she was going to move in with him so they can raise their son together and see if they can make a happy home. She was thrilled. Motherhood looked great on her. I don’t think it bothered me as much that she moved out, but what bothered me was that she did it a week before the baby shower. While we were friends, we were also roommates. Since she was pregnant, she didn’t work as much so I paid 75% of our bills and on top of it all I bought food for 3 people. She ate a lot. I wish she told me that she planned to move out sooner so that I was able to let our landlord know and see if we could get out of our lease or have time to find another roommate. I would have worked more and saved more money to help make up the difference until I found a solution. If I would have known, I would’ve asked her mother to chip in for the baby shower. After she moved out, I heard from her a few times and that was mainly because I stayed in touch. The last time I saw her was the night of the baby shower. I threw her one hell of a party. I still remember it as like it was yesterday. I kept trying to reach out and call her so she can let me know when she had the baby. No call back what so ever. I never even got to meet the baby. That really broke my heart. I looked at her as not my friend, but as my sister.

 

Five years went by and we reconnected on MySpace. I was married and pregnant with my first. We decided to meet up for lunch and we missed out on a lot. She had a son who was 5, and a little girl who was 2 years old. While we were talking, I asked what happened and why did she just leave me behind like I did not mean anything to her? Her reply was “things happened so fast and I just completely forgot to call you back”. I thought about it and I tried to look at her response from her perspective, she was young, having a baby, and basically in a new relationship. She must have been under extreme pressure to make everything work. I let it go and we made a pact to never lose touch again. While we were playing catch up, she invites me to her wedding. I took the invitation and told her that of course I would love to come but I was not sure if my schedule was free. I was unable to make it to her wedding which she understood, but I was still able to send her a big check as a gift. I was and will always be that generous friend. I don’t know, I was happy for her and I enjoy a good love story.

 

Let’s fast forward this story a little…..

Before I had my second baby, or 2 years into our renewed friendship, she bailed on me once again. Apparently she was going through some major issues in her marriage and with her family and she was unable to pick up the phone and tell me. It came to the point where I called her once a day, then it went to once a week and by the third month, I called once and that was it. When all of this happened, we surpassed MySpace and started using Face book and well let’s just say that she hung herself when she posted updates of her and other friends going out, taking pictures, and partying like their rock stars. No judgment here, go party it up but don’t tell me that your too busy to talk when apparently you’re not too busy to drive everywhere to party it up. I think my last straw was when her friends canceled on her and she wanted to go out and called me up to see if I was free to go bar hopping. Before I was able to say why I couldn’t, she rushed me of the phone so she could call someone else. Well she completely forgot that I was pregnant. After that I reached out to her and I think I needed closure and I missed my friend dearly. My husband told me to tread lightly and not to have high expectations from her because she will most likely repeat her pattern and bail on me again. We decided to meet up for a drink this time around and it took me 3 hours to get there because by that point we have moved already and I did not want to tell her where I was living. When I got to the bar, I was there for 2 hours on my own before she showed up. She was a complete disaster. It did not look like my best friend. Her happy glow was gone and she was just a complete different person. As I was talking to her, I told her how I felt not only used but really hurt by her and her actions. She apologized, told me that it would not happen again and that she was not in a good place then. After a few drinks she completely fell apart. She was filing for a divorce, her husband was abusive and that they both became big coke heads. Here I am again, going full force into a friendship that was only true on one side, on my side. I helped her find a divorce attorney, my husband’s colleague (my husband did not want to take on the case), and let’s just say I was there once again, and I allowed the same person to hurt me and stab that knife right back where the wound healed. She vanished once again but is still making her appearance on face book on how she is going out, taking screen shots of her conversations via Face time, etc, but she has still yet to return my phone call that I made 2 months ago.

I completely understand our friendship and I am that person that picks up all her pieces, finds her contacts that she needs because she knows she will get a discount because all these contacts are really close friends of mine and she also knows that I will always pick up the phone when she calls. I actually changed my number so I will not be picking up that phone and I am ready to completely move her out of my life.

I am struggling with this phrase: “always be there for your friends when they are going through a hard time”. Well how am I supposed to be there for her when she doesn’t want me there? Should I just quietly sit in the background and wait for her to be “ready” to be my friend? Should I keep getting hurt because she is going through a difficult time? Do I delete her from Face book? I have completely restricted her view on my page and I really want to delete her but I am struggling with the rules of the friendship. I do not want to be that “last resort”, the “back up friend” or that person that is never thought about unless nobody else is available. I do not want to waste my time on meaningless friendships nor do I want to be stepped all over. I am a woman and I have feelings too. If you do not want to be friends, just tell me that we are not friends and that you used me from day one. Don’t string me along like a “bad relationship”. Don’t tell me you are going to call and you don’t, don’t tell me you want to meet my kids when you have no intentions of doing so and don’t comment on my face book posts like we are besties. Don’t pour salt on a wound that you re-opened.

What would you do? Do you hold on or move on?

People say that friends are a major part of your life and they are the ones that will always be there for you when others let you down and walk away from your life. In my case, that has never been so true. I have a few amazing friends that I am so thankful to have and without them, my life would not be complete. My best friend is a childhood friend; we grew up together and lived as neighbors. I look at her as a sister. I also have a friend that I became close with through my husband and even though our friendship is still growing, I love his silly ass. These two people are the people in my life that I would trust my kids with in an event that my husband and I die unexpectedly. These two people are the godparents of our children and these two people have always had our backs. Friends, a sad topic for me; it’s a topic of loss (lost a few great friends throughout the years, may they rest in peace), betrayal, dishonesty, and abuse of my love and trust.

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